If I Don't Know

I hate hormones. How they make me feel like weeping even when my life is good.

ughhhhhhhhhh.

I want to weep.  I want to scream.  I want to not want this anymore.  I want to go back in time and stop it all.  I want to go back in time and do it all over again.  Change it all.  I want this to be different.  I want to be stronger.  I want to not care.  I want to stop time and just breathe.  I want to fastforward.  I want to sleep until it’s over. 

I just fucking hate you right now. I hate this tiny box you try to keep me in. This mold that doesn’t fit. I hate your stubborn pride and your childish temper. Your ego, your insecurity and your selfish need to have everything your way. I hate everything about this.
Most of all, I hate that all the good in you makes it so damn hard to walk away.

I’m elated. This change at work, though technically not in effect until June 1st, has lifted a huge weight from shoulders. I have been wishing and hoping for something to change somewhere in my life, knowing something had to give somewhere, and now this has happened. What a relief!

I know this will not fix the other problems in my life, and one in particular may have to give eventually anyway, but with the relief of pressure in my professional life perhaps I will better be able to focus on the things that really matter in my personal life. No extra stress and pressure to add to the frustrations in other areas.

For the first time in a long time, I feel much more positive about my life and where it might be going.

I can’t help but see this as a sign, of sorts. One thing or the other had to give, and I’m really glad it was work. Now we will see what happens with everything else.

Whatever happens, happens. And everything happens for a reason.

I go in circles with this, over and over again. Always coming back to the same arguments and frustrations, the same pros and cons. Holding on and letting go.

How is it that you seem to sense when I have given up and am ready to walk away? You finally make a move, make a change, and I’m left reeling, spun about and back into the cycle, going in circles once again.

“but i got bound up in my own innards. i tend towards that sort of thing because i search for meaning where there is none. because i try to find ways to express a certain tone or shade of my idea of beauty and it all seems real at the time. but it’s a lie. “

- ruzzdotorg

It’s my lie, too.

Maybe it’s time I just face the facts. Or perhaps I would just be giving in to fear and doubt, speculation and something that is either a gut feeling or paranoia… At least I would be putting an end to all those things. At least I could move on.

The result of these is not what I want to believe. I want to believe something better of you, of us, of everything we’ve been through. I want to believe there is more to all of this, and better to come. I’m having difficulty hanging on to that. I sometimes feel of late that I am trying to convince myself of it rather than that I have any hope left of it.

You do not love me, nor ever will. You have no intention of this going anywhere real. Your “commitment” is a sham. Something to hold me here and fill your time, keep your loneliness at bay until someone else comes along.

You are selfish, stubborn and manipulative. This is a fact. And I am a fool for lingering here, for wanting to believe that I am actually someone special to you.

It doesn’t really feel like “us”. It just feels like you. And something that used to be like me.

And if we remain tethered to our fears and doubts, then we allow them to lead us, make decisions for us, shape and mould us to their will.

It turned so suddenly, so completely that I find myself not trusting it at times. I am not a distrustful person. Not jealous by nature, nor always assuming the worst. And yet in this I am left with so many questions. What changed? Why?